“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*