Get off my horse you stupid moon
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You had me at “define legal”.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.