wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not