I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more