Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Mhm.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”