God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.