“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
You Might Also Like
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me and my fake scenarios
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad