I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
when someone rings the doorbell
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*