OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My favorite female superhero
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.