I’m literally crying
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
j o i m p
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!