Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy