I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Noah
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.