This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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🙄😏😂🤣
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
PER MY LAST EMAIL
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell