My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.