When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt