SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”