I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”