Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite