My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.