Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.