my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
#growingpains
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*