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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.