Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Is….Is this an option?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.