Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait