*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.