I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.