My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
You Might Also Like
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I think my mom just blocked me
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
People: it鈥檚 important to limit your children鈥檚 screen time
School System: y鈥檃ll heard about virtual learning?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you鈥檙e so bad.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I鈥檓 just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Bringing home a sharpie
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: I don鈥檛 get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]掳sips drink掳 that’s ridiculous 掳water shoots out of holes掳
No more questions