even bears disappoint their mothers
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you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
How to properly lift a body
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.