[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Just grow your own
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The Struggle
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.