5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
These are my roll models.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.