If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?