I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
2022 will be better than 2021
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
🍛
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house