Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?