Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?