Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes