Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Who.
Did.
This?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.