does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
You Might Also Like
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.