I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Effort made
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky