WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
This is my bus stop.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I wish this was real life…
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith