What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.