There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
March 16
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.