[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.