[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
found my next D&D character name
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything