Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.