Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Ion see the issue
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
wait.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it