Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The two types of wives
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.