That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.