“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I can fix him.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?