ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
This was a bad idea all around
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes