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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
hackers play passwordle
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?